Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
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John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
Nice tots you got there. Be a shame if someone tatered em.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
So my husband grew up on a rural cattle farm, and later became a massive history buff.
He recently decided to invest hours of research into tracing his family line all the way back to 15th century Sweden:
— where they were all rural cattle farmers.
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
thanks for ruining it for the rest of us, stacey
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
That’s a good costume, I hope.
when i was on a menswear forum, a n00b claimed his shoes were handwelted, so an older forum member bought a pair of the shoes for $400, ripped them apart, and proved they were not handwelted, thus triggering a series of events that brought down a shoe factory in italy
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*