him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
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Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift