Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.

Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to

Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to

Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to

Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?

When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed

Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.

Toothpaste: Hi

Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad

Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play

Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold

Ok but how old is your child in minutes?

Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school

[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no

Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.

Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday

DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes

ME: Do they have to be mine?

DATE: what

ME: what

crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators

describing stardew valley

I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding

When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”

People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.

Health status:

Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.

Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.

Free will was a bad idea.

I should have charged for it.

weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel

what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?

thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.

If your store’s bowl of water is just for pets you should really put up a sign.

You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On

*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*

Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.

Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.

Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.

Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’

Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’

Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.

purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?