Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
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The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Someone at work just farted and I panicked and said ‘compliments to the chef’. Wtf
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
baking when u live alone is like ok i had my fun now what do i do with 28 cookies
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn