Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
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I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
I feel it
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
me: going to the gym
friend: but it’s 2AM
me: got to exercise my demons
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
my mind
You just read my mind
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
*leads a conga line off of a bridge