Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
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The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
guys PLEEEAAASEEE does anyone have the original pic of this thread it’s been on my mind for 2 days now
Bf dropped his head for a full 30 seconds of silence bc he was explaining the stock market crash to me and I sagely supplied “it’s because mercury went into retrograde yesterday”
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
my cartoon in the New Yorker this week
Urgh. Trying to buy a copy of Catch-22 online but the seller won’t post it until I’ve paid and I won’t pay until I’ve received it.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
When you ask for your phone charger back and your teenager has the audacity to ask “what percentage are you on?”
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.