Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
You Might Also Like
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
Looking for a pet that is friendly, loyal, fun and, in the eventuality of an apocalypse, tasty.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do