Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
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It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
Just blocked someone for correcting my spelling and it feelded great.
Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
At the beginning of the week our boss told us to not talk this week because ownership was visiting which is insane but today I learned there was an office pool to see how long before I yapped and it was over $500 I’m reporting the winner to the IRS
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
True freaking story!
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast