Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
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I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
Me: If only we lived in a just world where everyone got what they deserved.
Friend: Including you?
Me: Actually, scratch that idea.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
People are so nosy. “What’s your name” “who is your primary care physician” “do you have health insurance” mind your beezwax
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.