Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.

I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so

genies are a myth perpetuated by creepy lamps who just want to get rubbed more

Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation

Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger

The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.

I didn’t come here to be called names

Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?

Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means

[post-abduction]

ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm

ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?

ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one

My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing

Me: when is your birthday

Her: March 1st

Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?

So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.

[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy

Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.

Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.

[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK

25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.

“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”

— kids, pets, spouses

If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true

My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.

My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.

Now I’m living in a flat.

Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.

Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..

My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.

Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.

Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!

My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.

I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky

For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.

I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.

“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”

*hangs up*

My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.

She hates bananas.