Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

on da cob, we all corn

I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits

I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.

“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”

“Um, I have a boyfriend.”

friend: what are your plans for The Purge?

[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]

me: do a murder

Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.

My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.

Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.

A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.

Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results

See Also: Going back to your ex

my powerpoints are getting increasingly desperate as the semester goes on

YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids

Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.

doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady

I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.

Did a trash talking tree write this?

Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You

Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.

Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.

*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*

Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.

Wife: The same four kids?

Me: I’ll be right back.

Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?

Five Guys CEO: you heard me

Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.

Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.

I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.

me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing

him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been

me: I tried to kiss a goldfish

[bakery]

me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday

clerk: ok what about this one

me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?

*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick

“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”