Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I didn’t have to shower alone today…..

Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?

I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.

Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this

Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no

“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?

I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”

Imagine you flip to a guys stream after dieing and see this

Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart

*professor x starts laughing from the other room*

My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears

Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.

Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.

Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms

Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush

Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..

~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand

[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.

Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.

My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.

I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities

due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police

Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.

A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.

I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.

Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0

Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.

tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup

We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…

Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016

I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.

When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.

Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.

guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine