Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?

If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.

Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”

Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.

jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job

WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look

My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed

Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.

*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s

My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.

Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.

I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.

Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?

Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up

Not now, kids.

Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet

In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.

Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.

I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.

If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.

Jeff Bezos this morning:

“Alexa, end my marriage”

Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.

This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.

My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”

Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital

Me: That would be great, we really need the beds

I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.

Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight

My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.

“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life

Me: finally drifting off to sleep

The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this

Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.

It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.

My neck of the woods. My leg of the desert. My bellybutton of the meadow.

Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.