Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”

Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish

According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.

Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.

If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.

The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.

So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.

does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything

[Nightclub]

Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY

the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems

I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean

“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”

Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?

What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?

Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!

Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday.  When we spoke they’d

I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.

I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**

*me
**National Cheesecake Day

me: turtles stole my pizza today

therapist: interesting

me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas

therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES

my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN

Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99

Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99

8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”

Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN

Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.

Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.

Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.

I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore

Mosquitoes:

Noah: *eyes narrow*

– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny

Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.

“I don’t remember watching this”

SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.

“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”

Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.

Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.