HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
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*1st day of shooting —Naked and Afraid*
Me: I’m not worried. This will be easy.
Producer: We need to take your shoes—
Me: I quit.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Spell check is for lasers.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.