HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
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How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
My father must be spinning in his grave, and not just because of that spinning device I had built into his coffin
He is just living hist best little life 😊
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.