Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have just finished interviewing a young man for a job at my workplace.

I asked him, “Can you perform under pressure?”

He replied: “Im not sure, but I do an amazing Bohemian Rhapsody!”

Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice

What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?

You: Help! I’ve been shot!

Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.

me: did you hear chappell roan sold out. she’s an industry plant. she’s a nepo

my wife: the baby’s crying

me: as he should be. it’s upsetting

I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.

If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.

Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.

Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.

Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?

Paid. Gamer. Leave.

Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).

Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.

Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?

Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things

Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes

[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]

That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.

interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?

me: my ex’s heart

interviewer:

me:

interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!

Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta

Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?

School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.

Me: *trying to hock a loogie*

Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.

I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.

I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.

This gonna be me in 2 weeks

Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.

Boss: Need a new battery?

Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.

ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.

GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.

ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*

GENIE: DAMMIT

if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water

i- i did not expect this

In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.

When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.

I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC

Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no

OMG 🤣🤣