SON: Dad what is that?
ME: *Trying to remember the name of a whale* Boy that’s a sea moose
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
You Might Also Like
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.
Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
Dog *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Cat *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me *wincing*: thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast