him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
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Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!