@_elvishpresley_

him: hi, I’m Tom

me: nice to meet you uhh…

my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago

me: m…mom

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@Home_Halfway

SON: Dad what is that?

ME: *Trying to remember the name of a whale* Boy that’s a sea moose

@215potter

Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.

@Manda_like_wine

I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.

@SteveKoehler22

Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.

Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.

@Ideal_Victoria

Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*

@iamspacegirl

Dog *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.

Cat *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me *wincing*: thank you
Cat: damn right thank you

@MoneypennyNaked

I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.

@markedly

Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door

@PetrickSara

I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.

@DaddyJew

According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast