him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
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I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
how long have you had this for?
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber