The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
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Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
Thursday
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
Thanks for following
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
🙁