Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.

Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.

It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.

I like to listen to the national anthems during the award ceremonies. I’m into country music.

I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”

Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?

Maybe your dog is barking at my luggage because he doesn’t enjoy his job, officer.

ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.

Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.

This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.

I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.

A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.

me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?

I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here

*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP

We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices

The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”

*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*

guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put

Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?

[visiting America]

Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?

America: sure is

Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch

America: lmao nope

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana

ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals

You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?

Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.

“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.

I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.

Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul Afraides

Paul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes

Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!

Me: [fails Captcha test]

Captcha: haha goptcha

Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.