“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“We have one theory”
Him: Honey, I wrecked the car.
Me: Omg! Did you pick up the food first?
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[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
If you see me running down the road crying, it’s because I hate running.
Wife: how did you get all of these groceries so cheap?
Husband: I just used the buy one get one free line
Wife: you mean the self check out line?
Husband: I think we need to move
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
At this point I only practice good personal hygiene based on how I would want my body to be found
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.