Him: Honey, I wrecked the car.

Me: Omg! Did you pick up the food first?

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[aliens talking]

“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”


[at the mechanic]

me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..

mechanic: that’s the horn


If you see me running down the road crying, it’s because I hate running.


Wife: how did you get all of these groceries so cheap?

Husband: I just used the buy one get one free line

Wife: you mean the self check out line?





Husband: I think we need to move


[man walks into a bar]

Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!


The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?


At this point I only practice good personal hygiene based on how I would want my body to be found


Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.