PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
You Might Also Like
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great