Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

August 8

Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat

[Baseball game]

ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex

HIM: What? No, baseball came first

ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball

Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.

Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.

Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠

Guy: I want to be more than friends

Me: like business owners?

You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?

🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶

SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!

So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.

Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not

In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.

Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice

Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.

Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.

Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.

Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?

Me: on the wall!

Hitman: that’s a spider

Me: kill it!

My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop

I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.

Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS

WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING

“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”

Well I sure as shit felt better at 21 so imma call bullshit

A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.

Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.

“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me

so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july

Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet

The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.

My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics

I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.

Maybe I misheard him…

But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.