Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
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Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
You can make friends in a doctor’s waiting room as long as you have something broken and not something coughing
Husband: can I have a taste?
Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
It doesn’t really matter who wins today as long as both candidates tried their best and had fun.
I wonder if my date ever found her way out of that corn maze.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
My 11yo got a hold of the grocery app, and apparently we need 50 bags of wings.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs