Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
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My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.