@Ideal_Victoria

Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*

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@freefanaddict

Y’all know you can literally buy a turkey any time of the year right? Because I’m starting to think some of you don’t.

@justabloodygame

“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!

@TheAlexP

Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.

@TheTweetOfGod

Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.

@ellewasamistake

infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-

me: no

infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]

me: ok listen here

@iwearaonesie

[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*

@better_off_dad2

Ever since my mother discovered emojis I feel like she’s been hitting on me.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]

@mrtruthandsoul

Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*

@robots_feel

priest: you may now read the vows you have prepared

me: i think I misunderstood the assignment

wife: just read what you have honey

me: ok [deep breath] A E I O U