Y’all know you can literally buy a turkey any time of the year right? Because I’m starting to think some of you don’t.
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
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GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
Ever since my mother discovered emojis I feel like she’s been hitting on me.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
Me: [winks at camera]
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
priest: you may now read the vows you have prepared
me: i think I misunderstood the assignment
wife: just read what you have honey
me: ok [deep breath] A E I O U