Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Waffle House interview]

Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”

Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”

Manager:“When can you start?”

the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”

If you are talking on the phone at the grocery store and it is interesting, then I get to follow you and we will shop together.

If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”

Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?

I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.

my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password

When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics

Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me

My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.

Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.

Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]

me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business

Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is

Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.

My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing

Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.

Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?

me: it’s weird there are so many stoners in high school now. the whole time I was in high school, I never even saw a beer, and no one did drugs

my children:

me:

my children: mom, we don’t know how to tell you this, but they did, you were just a nerd and they didn’t tell you

Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.

Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.

i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way

My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.

So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.

Then we had a duet and my point was missed.

Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!

Me: Sucks for you…

Kid: What?

Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!

You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.

It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.

Best spoiler warning ever

I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team

Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy

It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews

#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,

it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.

gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it