Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
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Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
January is lasting longer than my marriage
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives