Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert

I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.

Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.

[at the playground]

“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”

“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”

Yeah….so is a grenade

I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….

… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.

[Me using a ouija board]

-Where are you communicating from?

T A S M A N I A

-Oh shit we called the wrong devils

I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.

My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.

my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kids

my quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden

For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.

I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.

Question of the day :

If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?

If kids these days had a perfume, it would be called
Audacity

emergency phone

If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.

can’t see: birdbox

can’t talk: a quiet place

can’t touch: this

her: are u excited for the next Star Wars

me: [sweating] did we win the last one

I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.

I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.

*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*

I didn’t realize that was an option

the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget

wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home

Me and my siblings:

The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese

[God making sausages]

Angel: What’s next?

God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing

*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*

Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.

Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.

Amazon review of the Solar System

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”

My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”

And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”