Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
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Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
Aries: Maybe you don’t understand what you’re doing with your life, but you’re not alone. No one else understands what you’re doing with your life, either.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
Found out the hard way the bottle of wine in my parents’ fridge was load-bearing
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
I’m at the farmers market- anybody need any farmers?
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
Not to brag but I also decided not to run today.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework