Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.

You’re like if “nope” was a person.

doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*

My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-

I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend

Me: This spaghetti is spicy.

Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel

What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.

What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.

#TopTip

If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.

Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?

Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.

Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”

Me: “I said that?”

I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”

Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.

When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely.

Since then I’ve got a dog, bought a motorcycle, started dating again and gained 15 pounds. She’s gonna be pissed when she gets home from work.

Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.

Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.

MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.

ME: *thinks for a bit* …k

MAGICIAN: That is a letter.

ME: omg ur right

The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.

[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”

advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden

If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.

Walgreens guy: You still need to leave

I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.

Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.

[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESS

MURDERER: What?

ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on

Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing

me: hi i’m on the list

security: there is no list this is kohl’s

me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man

[company meeting]

Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.

Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]

“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.

Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.

Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!

[on honeymoon in Paris]

Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower

Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?