Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”

Jack: hello, beans

Beans: hello, Jack

-Jack and the beans talk

Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.

Feeling invisible and unnoticed?

Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.

I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?

“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”

hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]

me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen

hitman:

Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.

A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.

I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”

The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”

My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.

“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’

sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best

Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?

Me: He travels, A LOT.

Friend: oh my god there’s two of you

My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear

Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right

MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW

*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*

All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.

Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.

The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.

Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.

If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”

What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?

Friends with no kids are like:

Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?

[on a date]

me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.

Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.

Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*

I’m so jealous of people who live near a coastal area. Wdym you can just go to the beach on a random Tuesday?

ME: I can’t find my glasses

SON: They’re on your head

ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again