Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
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Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
I would love to be the reason you look at your phone and smile
Then walk into a wall
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
When you ask for your phone charger back and your teenager has the audacity to ask “what percentage are you on?”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
Breath mints make me sneeze. No, I don’t need that one back. I have others. Sorry about your eye.
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”