Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.

In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham

Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*

doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]

Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!

Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.

Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.

By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.

My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.

Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.

Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.

A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.

Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.

*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*

Me: what?

*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*

Optometrist: better or worse?

Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now

earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads

Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”

I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.

Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind

Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?

My first rodeo and my last rodeo were the same rodeo.

Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.

Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.

My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.

Never mind a Roomba, I need a robot garbage can that will follow my kids around the house all day.

Grammar is important. It’s the difference between feeling your nuts and feeling you’re nuts

I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.

my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in

My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.

Me to cat: quit looking at me like I’m an ingredient

Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol

Pentagon: he’s getting too close

Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife