Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
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Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
is he marrying that labradoodle
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
wait a minute….
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.