Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
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I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
You: “I’m only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me.”
Sports Broadcaster: “Here comes the oldest player in the league. He’s 32. A miracle.”
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
Been fired from my job in the sewer. Twenty years down the drain.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
Pretend you’re a kangaroo by sticking a photo of your child out of the top of your trousers.
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
Sorry about the semi trailer out front. Croutons were on sale at Costco
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.