Him: How did he die?
Me: He was attacked by a group of crows.
Him: A murder?
Me: Well, he’s clearly not still alive, Kevin.
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MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
Beards are a privilege, not a right
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
Me: Can I leave work early?
Boss: Only if you make up the time
Me: Ok, It’s 45 past 60
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
Everybody say a little prayer for my husband, he just told me to calm down.!!
Waiting at the barber shop to get my 9yo a haircut and he points to the balding guy in front of us and says “well he shouldn’t take too long.”
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
It turns out when someone asks who your favorite child is, you’re supposed to choose from your own. I know that now.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.