Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me, a police sketch artist: is this him?

witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?

If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?

All-purpose flour out there like screw you single-use flours I can do anything

slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.

She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.

Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.

People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…

No thank you.
I already have a cat.

New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.

I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.

[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]

[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”

VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”

You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?

A book.

HO_SE BOAT

I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat

I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”

Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?

Basically.

Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.

I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.

i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf

I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.

Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂

“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”

MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?

BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho

MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal

Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!

The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.

I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.

When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.

I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.

Just started an episode of 30 Rock and said to my 4-month old baby “this brand of comedy is important to this family so please pay attention.”

that colleague who touches your screen

Have we checked all food to see if exploding it makes it into something better or did we just stop with corn?