Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?

me: umm on a grill?

waiter: no how would you like it served?

me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please

*at picnic*

Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.

A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.

I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.

I just got an email saying ‘At Google earth we can read maps backwards!’

I thought, “That’s just spam.”

#Google

Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.

Genie: last wish

Me: I wish I could fly

*poof*

Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…

*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”

Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster

Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?

I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.

OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.

A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?

Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.

Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?

[poorly lit restaurant]

me: I can’t see the menu

wife: just ask the waiter to bring some candles

me: no I want food

Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.

Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.

My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.

Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.

My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.

The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.

“Hey. My eye is up here.”

– hurricanes

me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok

An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…

When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!

saying “i am bad at this”

-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvement

saying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”

-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales

ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho

*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*

A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.