Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
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A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Of course I’m a morning person, why do you ask?
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.