Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Insomnia is embarrassing. How can I be so bad at something that literally involves doing nothing?

hate when you tell a hilarious story and then everyone’s like “omg im so sorry that happened to you?????” like get with the program honey we’re laughing about this

I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.

Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.

People ask you, “are you crazy”, and then get scared when you answer, “yes”.

You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.

You also look like a bad speller.

It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.

Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.

I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips

my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters

me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs

boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right

Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.

Violence is NOT the answer. The answer is *opens history book*

uh oh

*frantically starts flipping through pages*

uh oh. oh no. no no no. uh oh

Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.

I’m not coming down from this tree until the mayor agrees to save this park from demolition or sends a really tall ladder up here, maybe places some mattresses around the base.

Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?

*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.

Him: Is this a sex thing?

Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.

There’s no “I” in angel.

But there is one in devil!

My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…

[digging through lost and found]

Target employee: What are you trying to find?

Me: My son

Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.

The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.

I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”

If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.

Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house

Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.

me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot

I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.

Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run

Armadillo: Go on without me

Snake: no just-

Armadillo: @

Snake: Wait where the hell are you

Armadillo: @

I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.