Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
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I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no