Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us

(Just overheard in the dentist waiting room)

Kid: Mrs Davies taught us about negotiataners

Mum: You mean negotiations?

Kid: *considers* Let’s agree on negotiatans

Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.

Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?

The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.

Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏

How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now

No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.

I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.

told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”

it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.

i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission

I wish all tests were things you peed on

I know the English colonized the world and all, but it’s hard to take them seriously when they create recipes like “bubble and squeak” and “toad in the hole.”

All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun

meow wolf is doing a brand partnership with our local version of chipotle and they’ve got a tie-dye tortilla for burritos so I ordered it, why not. I haven’t stopped laughing since I unwrapped it because it looks like it’s covered in mold

Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.

Her: I love it when we finish each other’s

Him: pancakes

My boss: Do you have Twitter?

Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.

My wife is thinking of getting her own Twitter account where she will just show videos of the aftermath of my cooking in the kitchen and narration of her just saying ” what the f**k Bill” over and over again .

Did cherry pie filling end up on the ceiling yes yes it did is that my fault 🤷‍♂️ with no documentation the evidence is only circumstantial

My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.

I’m raising an evil genius.

I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.

5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS

A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.

me: [crying] it came outta nowhere

tour guide: a spider?

me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen

guide: [panicking] omg a snake?

me: razor-sharp claws

guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?

me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle

I almost just turned down a beer.

Calm down, I said almost.

No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”

what is this, a family reunion?!

Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.

Door: PULL.

Me: Don’t tell me what to do.

Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?

Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!

A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”