Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Can you explain the gap in your resume?”

“Sure are you familiar with not getting jobs?”

It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house

Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out

*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*

Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up

Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.

There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.

Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings

What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”

Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.

No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory

*looks hard af*

*pukes polaroid*

If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.

Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.

Give me one good reason not to have a drink.

Hepatologist: Hold my beer.

*Bites lower lip*

“So this is an abduction then?”

Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”

i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs

[restaurant]

ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny

WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans

Bit strange that the same culture is responsible for both kissing and onion soup. You’d think they’d be incompatible.

I always order shredded iceberg lettuce on my Subway sandwich because I know my lap is probably hungry too

No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.

I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.

When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.

It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.

Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree

How to walk around a museum

A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.

When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.

According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.

her: did you wrestle in high school?

me: do my emotions count?

Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home