Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
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Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…