Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.

You Might Also Like


The hardest part of being an astronaut would probably be the constant smell of poop in my spacesuit any time something went slightly wrong.


So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:


Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.




Can I have the definition, please?



HER: You promised me you were over your Bruce Willis obsession.

ME: Sorry. Old habits die hard with a vengeance.


A perk of being in your thirties is waking up injured because you slept in a slightly different way than usual.


POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: describe the suspect
“He was holding a pencil, wishing he was a real artist”
{pencil stops moving}
“And he was crying”


BAD GUY (hiding in my back seat): *strangling me to death*

ME: *choking but still embarrassed he heard me singing that shania twain song*


The person that was in charge of naming Ohio must have thought of it when they realized someone was waving at the person behind them.