@toomanycommas3

Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.

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@SuperApple80

The hardest part of being an astronaut would probably be the constant smell of poop in my spacesuit any time something went slightly wrong.

@WheelTod

So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:

6lb11oz!

Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.

@T_Bonezzz_

SPELLING BEE

“Defiant”

Can I have the definition, please?

“No”

@Sickayduh

HER: You promised me you were over your Bruce Willis obsession.

ME: Sorry. Old habits die hard with a vengeance.

@ahumanfireball

A perk of being in your thirties is waking up injured because you slept in a slightly different way than usual.

@Jeff_G_Nixon

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: describe the suspect
“He was holding a pencil, wishing he was a real artist”
{pencil stops moving}
“And he was crying”

@Brampersandon_

BAD GUY (hiding in my back seat): *strangling me to death*

ME: *choking but still embarrassed he heard me singing that shania twain song*

@tnylgn

The person that was in charge of naming Ohio must have thought of it when they realized someone was waving at the person behind them.