Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.

HR: Know why we called you down?

Me: Hmm…my trench coat?

HR: Try again.

Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?

Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?

Me: sure

Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you

Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.

I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political

“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”

Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh

Me:…

Cashier:…

Me:…

Cashier:…

Me: yep

Me: Where’s your water bottle?

3yo: I don’t know.

Me: Can you please go look for it?

3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.

Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.

Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.

If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.

5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?

Me: Pay the bills.

5: Are you winning?

Me: No.

I bet the guy who invented pants wasn’t even wearing any pants when he invented them.

My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.

“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????

I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver

No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*

*instantly make it worse

A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.

Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.

😞

A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.

joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people

batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you

joker:

batman:

joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem

While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.

[job interview]

“Tell me about yourself”

*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*

I’m a risk taker

i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?

Me: there’s no “u” in team

Canadian: we’ll see about that bud

Me: NOT THIS TIME

Kids: *already running away with my pants*

Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?

*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL

My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.