Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Couples’ Counselling]

Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him

Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!

We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means

a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables

I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”

If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.

Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice

*Password looks at itself in the mirror*

“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”

Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..

Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!

I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.

eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips

Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?

FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?

WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.

If you don’t have a birth certificate YOU WEREN’T BORN 😠

I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.

911: what’s your emergency

Me: I can’t find my lizard

911: do you have any details

Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it

I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.

I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!

I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car

I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.

“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”

*flirty giggle* “ok…”

“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”

You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.

‘What’s that smell?’

‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’

‘This is your car’

Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!

Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*

Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution

Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]

Dog: You gonna eat that?

No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me

My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.

My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT

COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!

ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*

CW: uuhh…

I have no passwords left in me

christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks

In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.