Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.

Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.

I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.

They:’What doesn’t kill you..’

Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’

[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]

You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?

The internet is full of many things

Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.

Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat

Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.

I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese

Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.

The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.

You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.

The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?

If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.

Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.

eating beef jerky and thinking that cow probably shoulda drank more water

me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside

cop: does it look shady?

me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot

I’m biased: I have four buttocks.

Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.

me: is this vegan friendly?

waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend

Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.

INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say

[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan

Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”

Me: “I was born three months premature.”

The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)

My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.

I love the smell of relapse in the morning

When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work