Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
You Might Also Like
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
✌️
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty dissapointed in them ever since though.
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
