him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
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Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
So I ate some gummy bears.
Turns out they were my sisters “Happy” bears with 15mg each.
I ate exactly 37…
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
All food is good if you spell it wrong
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
I snorted all the lines i was supposed to read between
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
Ugh. Still no word from Disney about my RATATOUILLE sequel, where Remy the rat finds himself controlled by an even smaller creature. I was hoping to sell FLEA MIGNON by the end of May.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.