him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
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My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
My brother said he wants to have eight or nine more kids. I said, “Wow, instead of having nephew, I’ll have neph many!”
He said, “You’re living proof that uncle jokes are even worse than dad jokes.”
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
Boss thumbs up’d my despair like a stone cold gangster 💀
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring