Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
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Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.