him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
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captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
At the State Fair and can’t find my family anywhere so headed over to look for em at the beer garden for about an hour.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
Babe, what’s wrong? You’ve hardly touched your Wallace and Gromelette.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.