Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.

I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.

When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.

Yeah I go to the gym.

Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.

Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.

Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.

[Grocery store checkout]

Me: *cracks open a beer*

Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here

Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this

Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here

Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*

Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?

(during sex)

Her: Make me scream

Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*

*reads recipe and sees “raisins”

Well, that’s not going to happen.

I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.

watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic

I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”

Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich

I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.

I’m really shy in RL.

But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.

Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”

Me: “I said that?”

I’d love this…lol

In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes

Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.

I was just discussing this with my cat

Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.

My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.

I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.

It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.

a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”

Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.

That sweet loving feeling when your kids have been asleep for a couple of hours, the house is quiet, and then you hear one of them get up to pee and you’re certain that not an ounce of urine is actually landing inside the toilet

Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.

*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck

I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.