him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
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I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.