Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
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.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
I got patted down by airport security.
Apparently, I am not supposed to reciprocate.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
– Hello, Police.
– I need to speak to an officer please. I’ve been accused of chucking something at someone, but it was only a bit of my dessert!
– Just pudding you threw.
– Thanks.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for