Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?

DOG: Correct

guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there

first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much

Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.

“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”

[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine

You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.

if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???

whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work

Therapist: You’re not really improving

Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?

Therapist:

Me:

Therapist: well it’s worth a try

Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.

Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.

When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old

Life Hack: Replace your cat’s litter box with an Amazon box. When it’s full just tape it up and put it on your doorstep so someone steals it

This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total

When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.

My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!

Hmm 🧐

[At astronomy convention]

For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.

This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.

KID FREE for DAYS!

So I licked her face.

August 9th is Book Lovers Day! Not to brag but I once wrote a book on pizza. My publisher suggested I use paper next time.

Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”

I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.

Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon

4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here

america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon

teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun

Secondary school me: my speech is abou….

My guys at the back:

Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.

In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.

I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions

Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands

why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.

God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results