Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
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[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
mentally somewhere in italy
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*