Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is

Wife: That’s the Olympics

Match dot com, but for socks.

Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.

Schools be like ok it’s the last week and a world fair so bring a dish from a country you’ve never heard of to feed 75 people at 745 am.

Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised

Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.

I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!

The year 2035.

Razors now have 47 blades.

Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.

Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.

I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol

the clam before the storm

Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.

I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️

I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.

[first date]

Date: well I had a great time tonight.

Me: me too.

Date: give me a ring sometime.

Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-

Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.

There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.

March 16

When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly

Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great

I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.

Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?

Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.

Men: I think it started in the 90’s.

lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis

Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up

Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.

“It’s not about the money.”

-people with money

A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.

You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.

I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages

Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.

There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.