Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:

[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]

*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*

[trying to eat a pretzel]

the knot wizard hath defeated me again

If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips

If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact

Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.

I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies

God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.

WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you

[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]

ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run

Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.

I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed

I gave a co-worker my word today …

And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …

Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.

The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue

3: Please move

Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English

3: Woof Woof

theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.

findings: I am going to barf very soon.

I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.

Brought home almond milk from the grocery store

My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….

Me: No

companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them

*gf breaks up w/ me*

me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]

IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?

(Trump rally)

Trump: I’ll take questions now.

Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?

Trump: More water.

Crowd: *cheers wildly*

[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

Um, the Stork.

[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.

Any room can be an escape room when you have diarrhea

Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.

The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.

My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.

Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now

The Universe: hold my beer

GROOT: I am Groot.

TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?

GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.

TEACHER: Yes, you may.

my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting