Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”

Me: “Well,-“

9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”

Me: …

9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”

Me: …

9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”

Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.

‘m developing a new fragrance for introverts

It’s called “Leave me the fuh cologne”

My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.

To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.

My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.

Me: My heart is full.

Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.

My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.

Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵‍💫

[To Police Sketch Artist]

Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”

Sketch Artist:…

Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”

date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?

professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement

best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets

I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours

I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.

If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.

It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,

Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free

I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.

i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on

I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.

Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’

[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]

friend: holly shit. everything is gone

me: i’m gonna try out for the nba

friend: what

me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it

Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”

Shark: *eats cop*

Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”

Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*

can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’

per my last wtf

No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.

Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.

Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.

I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.

When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.