Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget

[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme

If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.

Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.

. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.

friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.

me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?

[having sex]

Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.

Her in her head: This could have been an email.

2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.

I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.

me: dating is hard

me on a date: i call my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.

Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?

My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.

You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.

Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.

one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth

It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.

Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.

…No, YOU shut up.

“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*

*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.

Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.

“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot

“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wife

Same

Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.

“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator

Teddy Roosevelt used to sucker punch people when they left the White House, spawning the phrase “Don’t let Theodore hit you on the way out.”

Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.

Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?

aladdin: i can show you the world

jasmine: no

aladdin: i can show you a cool bug

jasmine: ok

The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud

But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???