Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
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Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
Meow
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
Some people stay longer in a toilet than in a relationship.
Netflix should’ve just maybe mailed us all this fight on DVD
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
found a blob of cinnamon roll icing in my hair. anyway, thought of you
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease