Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#SCOTUS one-star review

I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.

Doc: I have bad news about your test results

Me: oh man did I fail

Doc: not that kind of test

Me: so I passed?

Doc: no but you will in a week

Your 20s are for fucking up & figuring yourself out. Except for me, who should have had every single minute detail of my future plans set in stone the second I stopped being a teenager.

Monopoly gave me unrealistic expectations of how easy it would be to:
1) Find free parking
2) Join the property ladder
3) Buy my way out of prison
4) Get bank errors in my favour
5) Steal money from banks when no-one was looking

hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used

sure, that makes sense. no big deal, i just go on linkedin to hang out anyway

Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.

Kids: the floor is lava!

Me: *slowly rolls off couch*

I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.

Bull: [angrily snorts]

Bulldog: [angrily barks]

French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]

[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]

Me: what is this

Climate: change

I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.

Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.

” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”

-God

{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving

@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…

Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?

Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.

Me: I wish for unlimited genies.

Genie: Son of a

Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.

The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink

I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.

My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.

Waitress shouted after me for not paying and like an idiot I said, “you too!”

I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves

Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.

Me: they call me Fred Flintstone

Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?

Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself

It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.

I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting

I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.

Use protection, young people.

I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.