Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.

“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.

Engraved on my tombstone:

No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.

Especially at night.

suspect: i ain’t talkin

cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]

suspect: can i have some

cop: cake is for talkers

The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head

I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment

me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?

friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.

me: ooh how often do you water that.

Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!

Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.

Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?

Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.

Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.

A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.

The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.

[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.

[bar]

CUSTOMER: Barman

BARMAN: Sir?

C: This beer tastes like piss

[further down the bar]

BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having

We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.

Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.

Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.

Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*

Toddler: *crashes the stock market*

HIM: Do you have raisins?

ME: I have grapes and patience.

Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:

Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?

My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.

If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again

lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?

peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂

lost boys:

peter pan: so funny

lost boys: you’re a sociopath

Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”

After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”

Look, when I invited you out for a drink I meant a milkshake with two straws, so don’t make it weird bro, I’m not gay

All those years of karate training wasted …

I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….

Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.

He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.