Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…

…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.

Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.

Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine

Judge: Still guilty.

I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.

In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.

? 💀

I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.

thug: do you have a gram

drug dealer: yeah

grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit

The stun gun you tried using on me didn’t work. Why am I not shocked?

I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“

I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.

If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore

can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture

The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.

I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank

Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?

Fortune Cookie:

For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.

“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.

Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?

A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.

My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”

Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!

Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*

I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.

why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me

My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…

[God inventing snakes]

What about a scarf that could kill you?

A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’

I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms

I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”

So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?