Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
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Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
You can’t cancel our date I just put a new garbage bag over my broken car window
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
it sucks that brainwashing is a bad thing because generally speaking the idea of washing my brain sounds so nice
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that