Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
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Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
Being a consultant would be fun. Like “hmmm… maybe! Here’s your invoice.”
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
I remember the time we were at a Restaurant, and my wife told me she was going to have A Baby! …And I decided just to have the Soup of the Day ..
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
my first day as a raccoon
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.