Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.

people who separate your hahahas into ha ha ha, whats going on there

Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?

the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account

The universe isn’t working so I’m going to turn it off and back on again. You will cease to exist for a few minutes. I apologize for the inconvenience.

The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.

The migraine that follows.

The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.

It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”

Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious

Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika

I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.

“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”

“No.”

“Why not, sir?”

“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”

When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.

[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha

ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.

I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods

Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.

Friend: Who did?

Me: Yep.

Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.

Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.

i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon

Tell us a scary story!

Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil

*puts wedding tape in VCR

20’s: what even is a hangover?

40’s: puts on sunglasses to open fridge

Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.

But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.

Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.

*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*

Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.

absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit

My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.

Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song

Her: I don’t see color

Me: They make glasses for that now

me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish

health inspector: so you see why this is happening