Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>

Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing

Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.

I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet

I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.

I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.

After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.

“Mom how do you say ‘thank you’ in Asian?”
-my friend’s kid, so loudly, at a sushi restaurant in Frankfurt

Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.

I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?

MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi

*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank

Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy

*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…

[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?

can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?

I bumped into a cute guy today.

I clawed his face off.

I should work on my people skills.

Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.

[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real

[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…

[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem

I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half

ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish

CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this

Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake

me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing

*unwraps Babybel*

My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.

*I need to eat better*

post donut clarity

Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.

ME: Hey they’re playing our song.

HER: This isn’t our song.

ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.

me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate

gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast

opening twitter before 9am is crazy like did you even try to have a good day

Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”

ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best

“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”