Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
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Everybody loves that comfort food until you end up with that comfort body.
Looking forward to Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck getting back together again in 2044.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.