Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead

Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care

Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that

Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.

To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks

Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen

Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!

4yo: Because lunch.

“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.

Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.

If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping

bridal shower ok. baby shower, sure. but what we really need is unemployment showers – imagine you get laid off or quit your job and you throw a party and all your friends have to bring you gifts

The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.

I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.

i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay

Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.

Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.

Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*

Why do meteors always land in craters?

Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”

First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!

7: Momma, I need $10

Me: Why?

7: I can’t tell you.

Me: Then I can’t give it to you.

7: (sigh) Fine, it’s for a deal I made at school.

Me: A deal!?

7: (big sigh) I’m bringing money, Carson is giving me toys.

if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you

I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.

Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.

Police officer: please step out of your vehicle

me: after this song, hold on

I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful

Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)

Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale

Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids

When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.

It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.

ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones

CORONER: no

I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.